Embracing the cringe
While I'm on this journey of embracing my creativity and putting forth an effort to be a "working artist" rather than a hobbiest, I am realizing that it is becoming apparent that I will need to push myself even further outside of my comfort zone.
Recently, I removed all traces of my former part time job from my office space at home. This is something I should have done a long time ago as I stopped working there at least a year and a half ago. I converted the white board above my desk from my list of insurance companies to call and fight with about coverage for my former clients to a to do list for my ceramics business as well as a list of "affirmations".
Affirmations are an interesting thing. I think they have value but my goodness are they cringey. I think the cringe factor comes from the fact that the affirmation list I wrote is the opposite of my internal monologue. It feels like lying to myself to say nice things about my art and my aspirations. And while I know that this is my imposter syndrome and anxiety/depression talking, it is such a mental barrier that I have to tackle.
My husband saw that I updated the white board and was like "oh nice!" which was good and supportive but I dont think he realized that just the act of coming up with and writing down affirmations such as "I am good enough" is incredibly vulnerable for me. I know that this list is for me and he's likely the only other adult that will see it but there is something so personal about what I've put on this board.
He is the most supportive partner in the world and believes in me more than I believe in myself. To him, this list is probably a "duh, I've been telling you all of this" situation. But for me, it is a physical list of contradictions with my brain.
I'm choosing to be brave in this moment and share the affirmations I listed because it's important for me to force myself to put things out into the universe that I want to be true.
People love my art.
I am good enough.
My work is unique.
My creativity is an asset.
There is no shame in self promotion.
I can do this.
My instinct is to write a paragraph by each of these bullet points explaining why either its wrong or counteracting the sentiment but that is entirely unhelpful.
I feel embarassed about the basic premise of these affirmations because it's like I should believe in myself and have a modicum of self confidence. In a way, it feels like I'm lacking in an area of my personality that I very much used to embrace.
Back when I met my husband, I was as he would put it "aggressively confident". We couldn't go for a walk without me either running into friends or someone stopping to compliment me. I was fiercely outgoing and social. I believed in myself so much. I knew I was flawed but so was everyone and that was okay! But now it feels like everyone around me has their lives so put together and while my life might look put together from an outside perspective, I feel like it is duct taped together and tied with some twine. Sure, my family life is wonderful. I would never complain about my home life and my family other than when my kids are being annoying. But I feel like my personal aspirations are in shambles. I am actively trying to combat this feeling and push myself to put my art out into the world. I have only recieved great feedback so that should be reassuring but instead it feels false. It feels like "well of course I am getting good feedback because the only people who see my stuff are other artists and they tend to be gentler with feedback". I need to shut off the critical part of my brain and embrace the chaotic confident part. That chaotic confident part of me has been sleeping for years and she needs to wake the hell up.
