Get it together

I’m in this interesting point in my life where I’m on a journey to get my house together for sale, get my kids together for a move, get my business together to progress towards my goals and in conjunction with all this I’m trying to get my mental health sorted. I’ve been in therapy off and on for about 10 years but truly been on my mental health journey for the past 2.5 years.

My previous therapist was a lovely human being but we would make much better friends instead of having a doctor/patient relationship. The amount of personal details I knew about their life was a bit too much in my opinion.

My current therapist conversely, I know basically nothing about. I am aware this is might be a gross overcorrection, but it works for me for now. Prior to this period I perceived that I was “doing the work” in therapy but it wasn’t until the past year or so that I truly feel like I’ve been putting in the hard work needed to address some deep issues.

I am extremely open about my mental health struggles and as one therapist put it I’m a therapy “fangirl”. I highly recommend people try therapy and confront uncomfortable feelings in a productive manner.

All this to say, even I have a deep rooted nugget of shame that comes out from time to time when I hit roadblocks that seem insurmountable. I hate the feeling of seeming helpless and like I can’t dig my brain out of a depressive hole at times. I want my family, friends, and, most importantly, my children to see a woman who is confident in who she is and comfortable with herself wholly. That’s not the easiest to put forth when your brain tells you unkind things.

I guess in a way, I’m both my biggest cheerleader and my harshest critic. I have grown leaps and bounds when advocating for myself in healthcare settings and when owning my creativity. It’s still a hard progression and I fear that it might always be this way. The only hope is that with practice I can flex those muscles without so much struggle internally.